Who wants a cool status... ME!!!

• Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.
• Aaah! Finally I got a password for my computer other than just "password".
• One should learn how to save water! Go and shower with your neighbor's daughter.
• Have you ever had a fly land on your computer screen and your first
  reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor? (I don't know about
  you, but I have done this a couple of times).
• %u2026isfaci ngamaj orprob lemwi hisspa cebarple asehelp.
• Be nice to nerds. Who knows probably you will be working for them one day.
• I do give the waiters a good tip, but they never seem to take or appreciate my advice.
• Dear Lord, please give me some patience NOW! NOW! NOW!
• Oh hello! I see that the assassins have failed.
• Making some changes to my life. Please leave a message and in case I don't get back, then know that you are one of the changes.
• At the airport customs, if you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" never reply, "Why? What do you need?"
• What do I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I just put down the mirror. Simple!
• Not all men are fools. There are still some bachelors.
• ..is dead. Yet here you are reading her update. What does that make you?
• ... is a big mystery that you can never solve.
• I said 'no' to drugs, but they simply would not listen.
• ... does not suffer from insanity. She is enjoying every minute of it.
• I am proud of myself. I finished the puzzle in just 6 months while the box said 2 to 4 years.
• ... thinks that if your relationship status is "it's complicated", then it's high time that you change it to 'single'.
• My computer beats me at chess. So what? It was no match for me at kick boxing.
• ... is color blind but is still trying to solve a Rubik cube. This could take a while.
• Women who seek to be at an equal level with men, lack ambition.
• Is swearing to drunk that he is not God.
• Bought some batteries for my children as Christmas gift and it has a note that says 'toys not included'.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back ever.
• Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children.
• Always remember that stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.
• I think, and thus we have nothing in common.
• Statistically speaking, 8/6 people have trouble computing fractions.
• is wondering when can a chicken cross the road without being questioned?
• ... wants to kill the sexiest person alive, but suicide is a crime.
• ....went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book.
  When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally,
  well played.
• Congratulations! You've just read this sentence.
• Where there is a will, there are 100 relatives.
• ... warns you to be careful with your head, cause once even he had an open mind until all his brains fell off.
• A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local
  primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water%u2026..
  Is that wrong?